Sony Pictures and Marvel Studios (Parent Company: Disney)
have made an unprecedented deal to bring Spider-man into the MCU (Marvel
Cinematic Universe, keep up slapnuts!) with the likes of Iron Man, Captain
America, The Guardians of the Galaxy, and my personal favorite Peggy Carter
(like I’m the only one looking forward to Thanos versus Peggy in Avengers 4).
Before you start beating off in anticipation of Peter Parker cracking wise
while staring at Black Widow’s cleavage, realize what this means. Spider-Man
failed… again.
Okay, I’m going to say it, I’m going to admit what I was
afraid to admit back in 2002 when I first walked out of that movie theater: Sam
Raimi’s original Spider-Man was mediocre
at best. If that movie was one of Peter’s many girlfriends it would be Betty
Brant, serviceable yet bland. Spider-Man
2 was great… in a mid-2000s pre-Dark
Knight world when any comic book movie that had moments of drama meant it
was great. Sony had a billion dollar franchise, a great lead actor who the fans
loved, and they f*cking missed the mark like Daredevil trying to stick his well
lubed Billy Club in Elektra. Spider-Man 3
sucked, and if you catch a rerun on FX, try sitting through it. Watching that
shit’s more painful than Alicia Master trying to give Ben Grimm a blow job. Amazing
Spider-Man, the reboot that looked to capture the same magic as the Marvel
Films. Instead of Pepper Potts and Tony Stark, we had Peter and Gwen going back
and forth with witty dialogue. That part worked… what didn’t work were the corny jokes, cartoony VFX, a muddled back-story about 007 parents that no one gave a damn
about, and corny villains with such brilliant plans as… wait
for it: Turning everyone into
Lizards!!!! Turning the lights out in the city!!! These storylines were
better suited for episodes of that Disney XD Spider crap than a big budget film. !
I remember saying (spoiler alert) at the end of the movie when a certain character cracked a certain skull against a certain ground—WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE ABOUT THIS SPIDER-MAN NOW THAT GWEN STACY IS DEAD!? I wasn’t the only one who thought this as a secret letter
from a Marvel Studios exec to Sony was leaked stating the same thing: You are destroying the only hook fans have
to continue to see this current interpretation: Emma Stone. So, once again, Spider-Man failed and while I should be excited that the Marvel Brain Trust
will now guiding this character, like having unprotected sex with Rogue, I can't help but get a bad feeling about something I should be enjoying.
Superman is the greatest super-hero of all time, he’s the
prototype. But in terms of story he’s horrible. Superman needs to be thrown in
with a bunch of rich characters for him to not suck. That’s DC’s problem with
Superman. Spider-Man is the opposite. He’s witty, acrobatic, idealistic, cocky
yet self-deprecating. His world is filled with an Uncle that keeps F’ing dying,
a semi-retarded Aunt who either knows her nephew is secretly Spider-Man or a
meth addict, and a revolving door of hot women who he can’t tell his secret to.
Those are the basics of Spider-Man. However, those things only make up about 25
issues of the character. Peter gets bitten, loses his uncle, has to hide his
real life from his Aunt, wants the girl but can’t have the girl. WE GET IT! Now
what? The problem with Spider-Man that Marvel has to solve is who is Spider-man
beyond the origin story? All three of Raimi’s movies covered the same bullshit,
“Become Spider-man, live with being
Spider-man.” The Amazing-Spider-Man films covered the same bullshit, “Become Spider-man, live with being
Spider-man.” Is there an echo in here?
I grew up a fan of Spider-Man, but by the time I got
immersed into those comics he was out of high school and wasn’t struggling with
money or –with great power comes blah
blah blah. Peter Parker was the most brilliant mind outside of Reed
Richards, yet he was teaching High School science. His wife Mary Jane had
become a famous actress, making Peter a kept Husband, but feeling like less of
a man because his wife paid all the bills. He was no longer J. Jonah Jamison’s
whipping boy, he was a freelance photographer who was respected by some but
still just “that guy who takes Spider-man pictures”. His relationship with Aunt
May had evolved to the point where they were often at odds over her love life. The
memory of Gwen Stacy was more constant that the death of Uncle Ben. His
villains had gone from Hydro Man goofy to Cletus frickn’ Kassidy! What
really made Spider-Man circa 1990s-Early 2000s, work was that he was an
outsider in the Marvel Universe. Unlike Batman who chooses not to hang around
with his Justice League friends. Spider-man wanted to be in the club, but was
never accepted by the Avengers. Spidey was a weirdo who few people outside of
Captain America trusted. In terms of the big dogs, he was always the butt of the
joke when around guys like Wolverine and Punisher. Spider-man was such an
outcast that the only characters that looked up to him were the New Warriors.
The New Fucking Warriors!
In the comics Spider-Man became a complex character dealing with
much more than, “I got bit by a spider and I don’t want my girlfriends to die
like my Uncle.” I was hopeful the day Sony announced the reboot with Marvel
because maybe we would finally get to see an older Spider-man who is kind of
the fifth wheel to the Avengers. That hero who should be loved like Iron Man
but is given Moon Knight respect. But Sony quickly pointed out that Spider-Man
would go back to high school and have to deal with the drama of hiding a secret
identity. I’ve seen Kick-Ass. I’ve
watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I
don’t need another by the books high-school dual identity story. Yes, the MCU
is void of younger heroes, and 17 year old Peter Parker hanging with 30-40 year
old Avengers can be interesting… but Spider-man has to exist on his own in his
own movie, not just as a Team-Up for Tony Stark jokes about puberty and
red-heads.
I hope Marvel can make Spider-Man matter, but I think true
Spidey fans deserve a look into the life of the Peter Parker that’s beyond the
teenage angst of being a rookie hero. I’m optimistic, skeptical, but most
importantly curious—which is the entire point because no matter what I bitch
and moan about, Sony as assured that I will once again pay to see a Spider-Man
movie. Genius!
Until they stop killing Uncle Ben, make mine Marvel.
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